TYSON’S CAR

You ain’t never had a friend, had a friend, you ain’t never had a friend like ME! 

Today it’s Aladdin’s playlist on repeat. It’s true what Victor Volkswagen, Brian Bentley, and Pauline Prado have been telling me then!

Tyson is a big kid.

Song drags on. I feel like cupping my ears but I can’t. Urgh.

I want to be ridden. To feel the thrill of the road on my treads, the hot sun burning down my hood, the wind blowing past my eyes.

I want adventure.

But Tyson won’t let me.

He thinks I’m small. That I can’t handle the tough asphalt, or the sweltering heat or the rowdy wind.

But I want adventure. I need it.

The song stops once. I hear a door lock and then keys jingling.

YES!

Here he comes. Tyson. The big kid.

He’s twenty-four. Just graduated. No job. Lives off his dad’s lawyer money.

According to the other cars, I am a product of lawyer money.

Ouch. 

But I still want an adventure. I need Tyson to ride me. To cruise with me downtown, open my hood when my insides become too hot, take me for a wash, park me by the LA pier and we can watch the sunset.

I need Tyson to ride me. To cruise with me downtown, open my hood when my insides become too hot, take me for a wash, park me by the LA pier and we can watch the sunset.

Is today that day?

I hold my breath. Tyson steps out onto the patio and then stretches in his casual trunks and tee. He smiles at us.

We all glint back at him. That’s how we smile.

But who will he choose?

I sneak a glance at Pauline. She looks attractive – a hot pink glint on a Prado is not something you see everywhere. Tyson likes her. For parties.

He is not dressed for a party. Ha! So it’s not Pauline today!

It could be Brian. Tyson uses Brian for casual rides and getaways with friends on Friday nights.

It’s not Friday! YAAY! 

What about Victor? Oh, wait. Victor’s the dwarf in here. Tyson doesn’t even use Victor as much.

On the other hand. I have never been used!

I wish I could raise my wheel and protest my case. Or open my grille and shout, “Hey! Over here, Ty!”

Tyson starts ambling towards the garage shed and I feel as if he is coming for me. He angles his body towards me.

Oh, my!

It’ s me. Yes. Andy Audi.

He wants to ride me!

I am so happy I can barely see that Tyson is just yards away from me. The moment I have been aching for. I have always stayed under the shed as Pauline, Victor and Brian enjoy the comfort of Tyson on their seats.

Here he is.

I can almost smell his cologne. And the faint smell of BBQ and hot sauce too.

He swirls the keys in his hand and then presses OPEN.

I wait for my doors to unlock, for air to rush in me, for my hood to retract back, for my side mirrors to angle up. I wait.

I really want to go on an adventure. I don’t want to be locked up in this shed for another week. I don’t want to watch as Tyson chooses the others over me.

So I wait.

And I beep. My doors unlock. Air rushes in. My hood retracts. My side mirrors angle up.

Yes!

He chose me!

I am filled with life!

Before Tyson reaches for my door, a voice calls out, “Ty! Dishes!”

Another beep. My doors lock. Air is trapped in me. My hood folds back down. My side mirrors flap in.

NOOOOOOO!!!

 

 

 

DANNY’S TOOTHBRUSH

Don’t open your eyes once you go in.

Just hold your breath and it will all be okay. He’ll be done in a minute.

I have fifteen minutes before Danny grips me, smears ol’ Crispin Colgate’s yucky insides on my perfectly combed hair and then messes me up.

Runs me up and down his teeth. First along his chipped incisors, then his pointy canines, then his rugged premolars and molars.

NOOO! 

I don’t want this.

It’s my first time and judging by what poor overused Gareth said, Danny is a tough one. He’d been disposed of after just two weeks!

Now it is my time. I am scared. My fellows inside the toothbrush holder are smiling sheepishly at me.

I can see their messed up hair, Crispin’s guts in their cornrows and worst of all – wet handles. I don’t want this.

He’ll be done in a minute. It will all be okay, I console myself.

The sunlight breaks kindly through the blinds. An incessant Childish Gambino song sounds off somewhere, followed by a grunt and a sigh.

He has woken up. Damn.

I stiffen up and think good thoughts. Nothing pops up in my mind but poor Gareth’s scream as he went down the trash can.

No. I don’t want this.

The bathroom door opens. Danny stumbles in, half-asleep and groggy. He quickly pees and then stretches out his arms.

Danny is a tough one.

I gulp. Where do I run off to?

Danny walks towards the sink. He glances at Marvin Mirror and lurches back in shock. I chuckle. He is shocked by his own reflection.

The toothbrush holder rattles and I see that Marvin hasn’t noticed it. Phew.

Danny then turns Farah Faucet on and uses her nourishing pee to wash his face. I don’t understand why Farah Faucet would let Danny wash his face with her pee. I don’t understand why Farah Faucet pees every time Danny turns her top.

He turns Farah Faucet off.

Then turns and leaves.

Danny didn’t flush. I hear Tommy Toilet complain that Danny doesn’t flush often. Yuck.

Danny is a tough one.

I shudder.

I’m next.

My fellows in the toothbrush holder are snickering at me. Taunting me. Kicking me around. I find a corner in the holder and stay there. I try to drown the taunts.

Itsy, bitsy spider went up the water spout…

After a long time, I hear footsteps and then Danny walks back in his room. I hear him press Stacy Switch who turns upside down and lights up.

He wants to shower.

Oh no! I have to watch him wash his body.

Eeeww!

I turn and face away before Danny jumps inside. Naked.

I don’t look. But my fellows in the toothbrush holder have their tongues out and eyes wide open.

Marvin Mirror seems like he has seen a lot. He remains impassive, reflecting Danny’s body back to him.

I drown the images.

Down came the rain and washed the spider out…

Danny turns the shower off. Grabs his towel and dries himself. Only when he’s sufficiently covered do I at least open my other eye.

He then sticks out his teeth at Marvin Mirror and I almost faint.

The teeth are not white. Not like the ones Gareth said are on commercials.

I can see last night’s cabbage stuck somewhere deep. When he opens his mouth, I can almost hear the food in his gut screaming.

I don’t want this.

Time stands still. My fellows stand still. Tommy Toilet shakes his head from behind, pitying me.

Out came the sun and dried up all the rain…

I feel Danny’s grip around my waist, constricting me, weakening me so that I cannot drop. Run. Make an escape.

I begin seeing stars. But not for long. He already has Crispin Colgate’s guts spilling from his tube and on my hair.

Noooooo! 

I try to budge but my hair is already messed. Danny puts Crispin back onto his holder. He is limp. He is almost running out.

I look at my scared reflection on Marvin Mirror. I try to scream and tell him to help me out. But he remains impassive.

I shut my eyes and gulp.

Don’t open your eyes when you go in.

Just hold your breath and it will be okay. It will be okay.

And so the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again.